i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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