Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
