Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
