it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
