Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
