Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
