I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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