I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
