if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
