he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
