return my video game
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize