Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
