then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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