Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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