I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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