i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
