tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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