I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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