There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
