when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
All the doctor said was why
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize