If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
it's great music for shaving your balls
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
