I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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