I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
