i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
