I accidentally had phone sex last night
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
