I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize