I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
