I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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