seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
