I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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