I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Also, beer. Big fan.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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