If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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