Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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