im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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