i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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