Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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