I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
