we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
