At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
