i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
