I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize