My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
