I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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