she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
