You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
