Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
