So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize