I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize