I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
