i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
