somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
