hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
