He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
So much rum. So many feels.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
