I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
