im six kinds of drunk right now
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
