How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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